Hey, Girlfriend, You Need...

...a girl crush. I'm a fan of the XY chromosome combination (I think you can tell), but that doesn't mean I don't girl crush. As a 13-year-old suffering from a unibrow and in desperate need for concealer, I wondered what this burning desire to speak, sing, dance, look, dress, and carry myself like Britney Spears was. We didn't have the term back then to clarify this normal fascination a girl has with another girl, while still wanting to make-out with her boyfriend. (Ey yo Timberlake, I'm still down for that. I've been waiting for a decade.) Britney is as classic as a Wendy's cheeseburger when it comes to being the object of female affection for our generation. Along the years, I've wanted to be other girls. My tendency to linger over pictures of Kim Kardashian too long must branch back to my Princess Jasmine/Aladdin complex. Sometimes I wear blue contacts and pout showing my teeth, like Adriana Lima and Megan Fox. (Let's keep that pouting thing on the D.L.) And before any presentation I have to give, I tell myself, "You are Taylor Swift. Be Taylor Swift," 'cause no one wins over a crowd like T-Swizzle (so long Kanye isn't present).

...to go to the movies on a Friday night with your best friend and a pound of Taco Bell wearing the world's most atrocious pair of sweatpants.

...to have a gay guy friend to quote Titanic with, dress up like Adam Lambert, and always tell you look fab!

...a backstage experience. You need to feel what it's like to slap that backstage pass sticker onto your black skinny jeans like it's no big deal and watch the evil glares that follow. You need to know how it feels to be led backstage by an assistant having no idea what the night has in store, except the fact your feet are going to die a painful death in your black heels. You need to know what it feels like to be sitting on a tour bus with your teen idol as he goes on about old cartoons and candy bars. You need to know how it feels like to hang with a spikey, blond haired pop star as he sings about his sunglasses while you try to hide your swoon. AND you need to discover that food from catering is the best food in the world, even if it's not... BTW, no groupie/band-aid business, k? Classy, not trashy.

...some time lying on your Camp Rock sheets and Zefron pillows, with Hanson blasting, new magazines/JFK Jr. biography, and a warm, pumpkin latte at your side. *Adjust sentence to fit yourself. You get the idea.

...a very messy night in NYC where your BFF mistakes the Empire State Building for your Upper West Side hotel. This should only happen after a string of stressful, prim and proper nights which you spent desperately seeking the attention of Prince Charming. If you emotionally ate an oversized gourmet cupcake in front of Charming after spending 3 months starving for him, you get an extra drink on messy night.

xoxo *heart* *heart* :)

CoSmO wOoDs

And I'm Feeeeellling Good *Cue Jazz Band*

-As if Nichols Sparks isn't going to torture me enough by forcing me to stare at Channing Tautm's devastatingly stunning, married face for two hours in one of his epic romances, I predict a Jack Dawson-demise. Cue the ugly, gasping-for-air cry. Nevertheless, the potential perfection of this movie makes me feel like I'm going to chemically combust. Let's start the countdown to the release date: 91 days P.S. Nicholas Sparks is Walt Disney's partner-in-crime in creating unrealistic male characters.

-Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" will rule the world, even if the less-edited version is far better than the iTunes/official release. Just want to say, I've been listening to this song for a month now. Just like I was listening to "Poker Face" long before you (aka the general public) caught on to "Just Dance." And I saw Miss Gaga in concert even before you learned she's not a fan of pants. Ohhh Cosmo just got defensive! P.S. Early adapters are coolie. *Kisses*

Enjoy the "dirty" version you won't be hearing on the radio in constant rotation.

-Two things I dare you to do today for happiness!

1) Sing (or shriek)/perform wide-mouthed, Mick-Jagger- style in the car at a red light and hope the person next to you sees. People get some guilty pleasure when they think they've caught you.

2) Put on an upbeat Michael Buble' song. I know your iTunes library is stocked with Crooner Babe 'cause you're a classy chica. Turn the volume all the way to the right. That means crank it bay bay! Then dance around the house. You'll feel straight out of "The Notebook"...sans Noah.

xoxo *heart* *heart* :)

Cosmo Woods

One Hit Wonder? More Like Natural Wonders of the World

I thought I should let you guys know I've had my annual cleansing. I'm so refreshed! Ew, no, I didn't get one of those nasty colonics or go on a crazy detox program. A month without chocolate and coffee? Let's get real now. I went to Church of the Musical Gods otherwise known as a Hanson concert. Before you can say anything like, "MMMBop? Those guys are still around?" Shut your ignorant mouth! Not only are they still around packing House of Blue-like venues with their absurdly loyal fan base, they provide spiritual, out-of-body experiences for the low price of $30. I guarantee your yoga class isn't serving up nirvana like this. You think I kid, but you didn't see the entranced girl bumping into people as she slowly pulled and pushed herself against the railing without any relation to the beat.

When the lights go down there are 5 things you are aware of: The music, your soaring spirit, Zac, Taylor, and Issac...but mostly Taylor. Actually, I can't even joke about this stuff. Despite the fact that Taylor Hanson was the original Supreme Being and continues to be the commander-in-chief of the S.B.s, Hanson, is like a peace sign. They are three different, but equal parts (in talent, at least) that work together to create perfect harmony (pun intended).

Hey look, if a dirty blonde pounding on the piano dressed in a simple tee with a half a pound of necklaces draped around his neck doesn't do it for you or a drummer who runs his fingers through lush brunette locks does nothing to peak your interest, I can chalk it up to bad taste. Sucks blackholes for you! But if sweet melodies, inspirational lyrics, lifting choruses, and angelic voices aren't your thing, then God wasted a good pair of eardrums on you. They would make a great Christmas gift for a Beethoven-like musician out there. Consider the donation.

If more of the world were Fansons (Hanson-Fans) there'd be less war; case in point, Bono is a fan. I'm also pretty convinced there would be no Swine. I swear my sinuses were clearer during that Tuesday night concert, than they are after

three powerful squirts of nasal spray. Further physical effects the Masters of Melody induce in their fans include going all evangelical with their arms in the air, palms facing out. The "If Only" jumping sets off a laughing gas reaction and it's so easy. You'd think the venue floor was a spring board. The "If Only" jump can result in such muscle relaxation, total loss of bladder control is quite common amongst Fansons. To clarify, the peeing in the pants phenomenon, comes from the gleeful state of the natural high. It's not as if Fansons are predetermined with weak bladders. Then again, I'm not confessing that I've had first hand experience with this weirdness. Just stuff I've heard, ya know?

Cosmo's Top 4 Fave Hanson Songs (at the moment):

I'm a sucker for a piano driven song. "Georgia" wins. It's best listened to driving at sunset on a warm day.

"Crazy Beautiful" was my original favorite Hanson song when I rediscovered them in 2004 post-"MmmBop." It's unbelievably warm and feel-good.

Ohhh, the melody. This song is a musical injection to the soul. Like the lyrics in "Been There Before" describe, you just feel it.

"Lost Without Each Other" makes you want to dance around on your tip toes while "cheesily" pointing to someone you love, with that embarassing, I'm-really-feeling-this-song expression on your face.

A few more things I'd like to thank Hanson for before finally wrapping up:

-Thank you for being fans of brunettes, yet I'm not thankful that you're all married to brunettes.

-Thank you for your obsession with Tom's Shoes (before they got all trendy), your barefoot walks, and all other things African-aiding. Seriously.

-Thank you for procreating like wet Gremlins, so my kids can be spiritually cleansed by Hanson Part II. (Amongst the three brothers, there are 7 children)

-Thank you for being so kind to the world's most famous Fanson, the beautiful and talented Taylor Swift. I know her heart flutters with every tweet.

-Thank you for the 92% on my media law test.

BTW, Hanson's my favorite band.

xoxo *Heart* *Heart* :) Cosmo Woods

"Ohh Ohh She's My Cover Girl"

You know those girls who wake up impossibly fresh looking? They're annoying. That's not me. Currently my skin is sheding off rattlesnake-style thanks to some illegal dosage of bensoyl peroxide. (Yes, my overdosing drug of choice is acne medicine. Doctor's orders.) I'm convinced it takes 12 hours for my nighttime puffiness to drain away. And it's quite possible my eyebrows would grow down to my lids without tweezers. I'm sure you've now concluded that I've kept myself annoymous because I'm some Fiona-like ooger who wants "The Swan" to re-air so I can emerge as the Bratz doll I've always aspired to be. Let me as modestly as possible assure you that I've been licked, and sort of mildly molested by a rock star (quite the story), who was once married to one of the world's most desired women. Did that disclaimer clarify things? What I'm trying to say is as self-deprecating as I may be, beauty is simply a CVS ride away. So I thought I'd suggest some beauty "necessities." Follow my suggestions and you might just find yourself sexually frustrating a glam rocker.

-Like I said, I wake up every morning looking like I was chilling with Bradley Cooper and the guys from "The Hangover" in Vegas the night before. So to minimize puffiness as fast as I can, I use Roberts Cucumber Gel and Garnier's Skin Renew Awakening Face Massager. The real cure to puffiness I've come to learn is just time being awake and moving.

-I don't like crunchy, ratty ends of hair that I've had too many times in life. So to prevent that I love Pantene Pro-V Restoratives Replenishing Mask and the best leave-in conditioner I've ever used, Nexxus Humectree Luxe Leave-In Spray. Also I just got got2b's Guardian Angel that prevents that crunchy end crimp you get when you curl your hair. It leaves hair a little shiny and glossy too!

*EDIT* DON'T use Guardian Angel, cause it's secretly the devil in disguise. It sent the front strand of my hair to hell when it burned off with the curling iron this past weekend.

-Maybelline lipstick. It doesn't matter what kind or shade. Maybe it's Maybelline? No, IT IS MaYbElLiNe, fo shizle my nizzle.

-You go to Costco for lots of toilet paper, cleaning products in bulk, of course food samples, and bronzer. I know, you're like "What? Costco Bronzer?" Trust me. It's good stuff. Not orange-y, but bronzy. It's mineral too.

-Ever since Royal Caribbean moisturized my lips to cloud-status 6 years ago with their personal brand of lip balm, I've been obsessed with soft lips. Three years ago Royal Caribbean discontinued their lip balm. This meant I could no longer harass our stateroom attendant for 12 tubes of the miracle worker on our annual cruise (don't worry, I sent them a disappointed e-mail). I embarked on a mission to find the second best lip balm. After buying every brand I could find, I've found two that are up to par. Betty Crocker Fudge Brownie Lip Balm is moisturizing and stays on for a long time and the bonus, it smells/tastes like brownie. You'll want to give yourself a kiss! I found it at Limited Too while browsing for Jonas Brothers baby tees. Banana Boat's Aloe Vera with Vitamin E lip balm is also very good. It doesn't taste like chocolate, but it's easier to find in stores.

Now go be a pretty, pretty princess!

xoxo *heart* *heart* :) Cosmo Woods

Crank Up The Soft Rock For This "Brown Eyed Girl"

So here's a confession that some people would call a guilty pleasure, but I quite honestly don't feel an ounce of shame. I LOVE soft rock/adult contemporary music. Ya know, the parents' station, but not exactly the oldies station. Oh how XM's The Blend treats me well. I don't just love the cool stuff like, Billy Joel, Elton John, The Eagles, who are all personal faves of mine. (Don't even get me started with Don Henley's solo stuff! It's like a Hersey bar for my ears!) I love the uber cheesy stuff too. When Richard Marx comes on, I legit say aloud, "Ohhh heck yes Richard Marx!" Come on, you know you love some Foreigner, Chicago, Rod Stewart. There's just no way you change the channel when you hear "Maggie May." If it says, "Playing all the hits from the 70s through today," I'm probably staying tuned. (Unless they play that awful, overrated LeAnn Womack song "I Hope You Dance" which belongs where it came from, country radio.)

I'm not some 50 year-old cubicle worker, so no, I don't listen to this around the clock. It has its designated times. Long night time drives, early mornings when Top 40 is too peppy, and rainy days are all appropriate.

VH1 has compiled their list of the 40 Most Softsational Soft-Rock Songs. In my opinion, some are "heck yeahs!" and some are snoozers. Check it out if you miss the days of riding around in the backseat of your dad's car.

If this scene from my favorite summer movie of 2009 "500 Days of Summer" doesn't put a smile on your face with Hall &Oates classic "You Make My Dreams Come True," you, my friend, should make an appointment with the Wizard of Oz. You need to get yourself a heart.

Richard Marx-One More Try - Click this! Click this! Click this! If you don't I'm blocking you from my blog. I know you'd shrivel up and die without it, so click. I discovered this song about 4 months ago and I don't know how I lived before this godsend. This isn't "Right Here Waiting"-style Richard Marx. I'm just going to go out there and confess, if I were born a decade earlier, Richy would be up there with Jordan Knight on my crushes of the '80s list.

xoxo *heart* *heart* :) Cosmo Woods

"Keep Cool My Babies!!!!"

Every month I look forward to Glamour magazine's "Hey, It's OK" page. If you're not familiar with it, it's a page of things you shouldn't feel guilty about. So I'm going to take a stab at writing my own.

Hey, It's OK...

-To binge on the fattest foods on the day of a test or presentation. It's a reward.

-To count down the days until Nick Jonas's 18th birthday. 342 Days. Hey, guys had a countdown for the Olsen Twins.

-To tell the guy at Dunkin' Donuts to put "a lot" of cream and sugar in your coffee.

-To still yell "GET UP!!! HURRY!" when you're watching any of the Rocky movies for the zillionth time even when you know the outcome.

-To hate your celebrity crush's celebrity girlfriend while they're dating and then totally develop a girl crush on her when they break up. *cough* Taylor Swift *cough*

-To scream so loud your neighbors think there's an intruder in your place when your favorite contestant lands in the bottom three on Idol.

-To get annoyed when your horoscope is bad and doesn't include you meeting the man of your dreams, even if you don't really believe in that stuff.

-To become interested in football when the team your dad, boyfriend, etc. roots for gets a hot new player. You might just end up loving the sport! (Thank you Eli!)

-To throw baby powder in your hair two days after washing it...on occasion.

-To have such an intense parasocial relationship with Jay Leno that you call him Uncle Jay. Conan is the crazy, "pull my finger" uncle.

...Yeaahhhh, even that's ok.

xoxo *heart* *heart* :) Cosmo Woods

Ever Wonder Why This Music Gets You High...It Must Be Pop!

Today, October 6, 2009 is ear bliss day for me. My mind is in musical heaven as I type this. My Mac-y and Bose are bummin'. The new Blake Lewis CD came out today and *shriek circa 1999* THE BACKSTREET BOYS!!! What? Did you just laugh? *Virtual Slap* I would like to know why pop music is often so disrespected.

You know who you are, you music elitists (that's what I call you). Side note: I actually don't foresee music elitists surfing my Elle Wood-sy blog. So dear readers, I'm not pointing my yous in the proceeding paragraph at you. I love you for your presumed appreciation for hand bumping beats and boy-band-silky harmonies. I'm just letting out some frustration that has been building up for a few years in music industry classes.

Music elitists *Finger Point*, you think you're so intellectual with your non-mainstream music tastes. You "know real music." Music needs to pull out deep emotions from your dark insides. It's serious. It doesn't make you smile. (For the record, I think music should evoke an array of emotions.) You think the names on the radio are all sell-outs. Once music gets pumping through the airwaves, it's not legit anymore. You think signing with a major label and getting you're name out to the masses means losing your soul and surrendering all musical creativity. You never think maybe the artist actually likes pop music and wants to surround themselves with the best producers and songwriters to further improve their craft. No, never. People who like pop have no originality or depth...at least not when it comes to music.

I think they should all shut up! The only time I would judge someone based on music taste is if they didn't have any passion for music.

Now, for all my peeps out there who appreciate a sweet vocal, a steering-wheel-drumming beat and a song that makes you, without a care, roll down the windows and sing your lungs out, even when stopped at a red-light, I've got some songs for you!

If it weren't for the boy band stigma against these "comeback kids," "The Block" could have been male equivilant of Lady Gaga's "The Fame." The producer of all of Gaga's hits, RedOne, produced 7 tracks on the New Kids on the Block's 2008 album.

My Mac-y might be tired of playing Jesse McCartney's new single "Body Language" since it's my most played song in iTunes library currently, but my ears aren't tired of it at all. I've been listening to it for six months and when it comes on the radio, I still crank the volume and "hand dance" ('cause that's what I do). Be prepared to be hearing a lot of this one. It was last week's most added song to Top 40 radio.

If the Backstreet Boys latest single "Straight Through My Heart" doesn't start getting more rotation on radio, it'll be a shame. It's one of the most pulsating pop songs I've ever heard. "Bye Bye Love" is BSB's next most single-worthy track of their latest album "This Is Us."

Seriously, who doesn't love Michael Buble'? I love him, my dad loves him, my grandma loves him. If you don't follow him or listen to adult contemporary radio, you might miss this classic feel-good pop song.

I could give recommendations all day, but I'm going to let you relish in that series of pop greatness for a while. I'll be back with more endorphin-releasing tunes in a few days.

Until next time, stay music-stigma free!

xoxo *heart* *heart* :) Cosmo Woods